I Saw The Life Aquatic This Afternoon
Christmas Dinner: a short holiday one-act
Mom: screaming Becky!! Where are you?! Becky! Becky! Beeecccckky! Stop hiding from me! Stop pretending you can't hear me! Set the table! Come down here and set the--
Becky: quietly; already broken ok I'm coming--
Mom: BECKY!! SET THE TABLE!
Becky: ...ok.
Visiting Relatives: looking around uncomfortably
Matt: argh mom is so annoying
later on, at dinner
Mom: normal volume Well everyone, I hope dinner's okay! We all worked so hard on it.
Becky: takes sizeable sip of hard cider
Mom: gets into some argument with polite houseguest
Becky: more cider
Mom: interrupting houseguest's statement Becky! Did you remember to clean out Sparkey's kennel?!?!!!
Becky:finishes cider...yes.
Mom: resumes argument with houseguest
Becky finishes off dinner by wordlessly slipping into the bathroom, locking the door, and lying on the carpet until the loud, loud voices stop stabbing her through the paper-thin bathroom walls. Her ears bleed. Her eyes are heavy from hard cider. She realizes her eyes haven't been open for the last eleven minutes.
Becky: groans
Tiny Elf Who Enters Bathroom Through Air Duct: Merry Christmas, everyone!!
Becky: vomits all over elf
fin
I admit, the vomiting is artistic license - but the rest of it happened. Why do my plays imitate life to the point of pure plagiarism? Why is my mother the human form of raging heartburn? Why do I have to get up at the crack 'o' dawn tomorrow morning?
Answer to last question: so I can drive - strike that - so I can sit in a car, not driving, for twelve hours so we can go to the ozarks of Doniphan, Missouri and celebrate my grandfather's 80th birthday.
I want to break my leg so I can stay at home alone for the next four days. I want to see my friends. I do not want to leave the internet behind for over half of a week. I do not want to go on this family road trip. I do not want to wake up early tomorrow morning. How did I get a B+ in University Writing?
I'm not writing for four days. Call the cops if I haven't written again by Thursday. Seriously.
Mom: screaming Becky!! Where are you?! Becky! Becky! Beeecccckky! Stop hiding from me! Stop pretending you can't hear me! Set the table! Come down here and set the--
Becky: quietly; already broken ok I'm coming--
Mom: BECKY!! SET THE TABLE!
Becky: ...ok.
Visiting Relatives: looking around uncomfortably
Matt: argh mom is so annoying
later on, at dinner
Mom: normal volume Well everyone, I hope dinner's okay! We all worked so hard on it.
Becky: takes sizeable sip of hard cider
Mom: gets into some argument with polite houseguest
Becky: more cider
Mom: interrupting houseguest's statement Becky! Did you remember to clean out Sparkey's kennel?!?!!!
Becky:finishes cider...yes.
Mom: resumes argument with houseguest
Becky finishes off dinner by wordlessly slipping into the bathroom, locking the door, and lying on the carpet until the loud, loud voices stop stabbing her through the paper-thin bathroom walls. Her ears bleed. Her eyes are heavy from hard cider. She realizes her eyes haven't been open for the last eleven minutes.
Becky: groans
Tiny Elf Who Enters Bathroom Through Air Duct: Merry Christmas, everyone!!
Becky: vomits all over elf
fin
I admit, the vomiting is artistic license - but the rest of it happened. Why do my plays imitate life to the point of pure plagiarism? Why is my mother the human form of raging heartburn? Why do I have to get up at the crack 'o' dawn tomorrow morning?
Answer to last question: so I can drive - strike that - so I can sit in a car, not driving, for twelve hours so we can go to the ozarks of Doniphan, Missouri and celebrate my grandfather's 80th birthday.
I want to break my leg so I can stay at home alone for the next four days. I want to see my friends. I do not want to leave the internet behind for over half of a week. I do not want to go on this family road trip. I do not want to wake up early tomorrow morning. How did I get a B+ in University Writing?
I'm not writing for four days. Call the cops if I haven't written again by Thursday. Seriously.
posted by Becky at 6:50 PM
2 Comments:
you best have cell phone service, otherwise i'm gonna go crazy up in this piece.
Dear Becky,
I don't know exactly why, but your post left me feeling a bit empty...
i hope you get your verve back, and that spring in your step and the twinkle in your "eye" and all that jazz. you add a quality to life around you that is valuable to all who matter.
other than that, though... guess who got his first nick drake album. i hope you're proud of me (even though it was a gift...). i haven't listened to it quite yet, but i plan on it.
have fun in wherever.
peace,
~josh
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