Natalie, The Fats of Life (Not A Typo)

Guess what, ladies and gents: NATALIE WAS A FATTY. Everyone hated her. She wasn't funny and she'd sooner turn into a giant tub of cottage cheese than be the first Fats of Life girl to lose her V-card. Wait, she probably would turn into cottage cheese. This isn't working anymore, Natalie. We want out.

It's not me, it's you.


AND GUESS WHAT ELSE:

(Are you guessing?)

Every time I go to work these days (which is a skimpy thrice-weekly), I end up having to close the stupid Barnes & Noble cafe. And it's not as glamorous or charming as you think (why do you think that it's charming, anyway? How bourgeois)

My tasks include but are not limited to:
a) take out all the leaking, wet trash
b) sweep forty pounds of hair, cookie crumbs, and ecstasy tablets off the floor
c) stack infinity chairs on respective infinity tables
d) push thousand-pound mop and accompanying swamp water all over freshly-swept floor
e) die inside a little
f) I don't know...lots of other tasks. Maybe someday you can stand on the sidewalk and look in the windows when we're closing, and FINALLY you can see all that I do during Close. I'll set it up for you if you want.

We'll work it out.


PLUS:
Chutnie - the grosso, ugly, prepubescent girl that Briana and I made up during a 7-hour-long busride through the mountains of Honduras - has done the impossible...
SHE TURNED INTO A REAL PERSON.

And she's one of the cashiers at B&N. I'll gladly show her to you for free.

She has the same ugly rat-tail ponytail and no eyelashes and everything.
Chutnie's last name is Butterkin-Cake...her parents are active members of the Atlanta Athletic Club. Her mother is a Nutritionist and her father is a Trainer in the Olympic Games. How did Chutnie turn out so fat, then? Simple. Parental neglect.

Reasonable Parental Neglect

So she's their daughter - would you want to talk to an illiterate girl who eats everything brown in sight because she thinks it's chocolate?
Nellie's in good shape, though. She's Chutnie's little sister, and she looks like Dakota Fanning. Families are so funny sometimes.

PS I promise, the NEXT entry will be called "The Ballad of Ashby and Michael Moore"