Bukowski, For One

on hiatus for a week or two!

to celebrate, I have:
1) nursed a summer cold
2) slept until noon one day!
3) bought mint green keds-rip-offs from h&m for $5.90
4) wanted to sleep every fucking minute of the day
5) watched MEATBALLS!!
6) read two books (Siddhartha (I got it the first time, Herman Hesse) and The 158-Pound Marriage (wrestling+vienna+marital infidelity+some huge accident near the end involving the children=I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF, JOHN IRVING))
7) ice cream! ice cream! ice cream!
8) sat in the sun

I need:
1) a haircut
2) sleep
3) to get rid of this summer cold
4) to buy these blue elephant underwear:
5) more MORE MORE books to read!
6) to go to a beach (or pool at the very least)


NEW PORNOGRAPHERS ON JULY 4TH! THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE ALMOST HERE!

Forget Leno, Forget Daly, ALWAYS REMEMBER CONAN

Watch Conan tonight!!

You'll recognize me as girl fan #1 who loves Lyle Lovett. LYLE LOVETT LOOKS LIKE MY GRANDPA GENE.

12:37! NBC! Thursday night! watch it!

Mrs. Taylor Sure Seems To Use A Lot Of Ice While He's Away

Here's a little something to make me vomit:
Who was the first guest ever to appear on Late Night with Conan O'Brien? None other than illustrious fat fuck John Goodman.

WHY NO NO NO WHY WHY NO NO JOHN GOODMAN I'LL HATE YOU UNTIL THE DAY ONE OF US DIES

Moreover, there were practically no interns in the office today, which made the whole place seem emptier and more disgusting when I repeatedly caught a glimpse of this other girl's way-too-low-neckline dress. I guess she thought NBC stood for No Boobies Covered. CHA CHING! RING IT UP!

I had a lot of coffee, which upset my stomach all day. I was wearing headphones to hear the back-tapes of shows (part of my job is to watch the last time Whatever Celebrity got interviewed and summarize it), and at one point when the sound was off, I heard my stomach do one of those "oooooooooaughhhhhhhh I sound like internal farts inside your pigpen intestines which are probably covered in flies" things. And I realized I must have been making that sound all day, whenever my headphones were on. so, cool. "OOOOOOOaaauuuugghghhhhhhh I feel like I've got grape popsicle sticky all over me We intestines are such slobs"

I got a radio show! It shall celebrate the nostalgia of our youth, namely The Parent Trap starring Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills. Laura K is cohosting with me. Tuesdays from 10-midnight, drop everything and tune in! I'll better explain how to listen to the show later.

oh god she's moving around

The Becklectic Handbook

you know, I put in a lot of time and high-quality effort to write a hit play for you guys, and I see no comments. I mean, sure, it was more technologically minded than I planned, but you're on a computer anyway. Don't you feel like you saw something familiar? It's the 21st century, folks. Time to read technologically minded plays.

Here's what I wanted to tell you about since last we spoke:
1) Dermot Mulroney and Catherine Keener were married? For 17 years?!
2) I just got a roommate, so RIP sweet dingle.
3) She doesn't speak english.
4) I was the girl in a music video that we shot this weekend. This girl Kerri from my old job asked if I wanted to play a sunny-side-up egg mascot who runs away with a calculator mascot. I replied YESSSSSSSS
5) Here's my life at Conan:

0800: alarm goes off
0830: I take shower
0915: I get on the subway
1000: Get to work and read/distribute the Post, the Times, the Daily News, and USA Today; make copies of any article that pertains to an upcoming guest
1200: get lunch from the comm
1245: do the newspaper's cryptoquote puzzle with Sam or Josh or sometimes Sean (who mostly just saves them for me) (who, on his first day of work, told Conan a funnier line to say after a joke) (whom I got to be friends with before I knew about this)
1530: go to rehearsal and watch Conan act like a huge egotistical asshole (as a joke)
1900: wait for the staff to finish getting their goddamn food so I can pick over the leftovers of their $2000 catered dinner EVERY NIGHT EXCEPT FRIDAYS
2000: get home exhausted, do cool stuff until
2400: I really should get to sleep
0230: I actually get to sleep

that was in military time!

today I saw will arnett. that's the life, isn't it? seeing will arnett? chicken fingers...with CLUB SAUUUCE

6) one of the researchers (I'm a research intern) wanted to make a facebook profile

him: I'm making a facebook profile
other intern 1: cool!
other intern 2: friend me?
me: you can go ahead and kiss my butt before I ever friend you on facebook. That shit's incriminating.
him: (silent)
other intern 1: yeah, you're right
other intern 2: friend me?
FIN

I finally put together alison's birthday present!

Let's Go To The Beach Tonight

alllll day I've been like "Facebook Facebook email? Facebook."


THERE ARE MILLIONS IN THE OCEAN YOU HAVE NOT KNOWN
a play.

Me: Facebook Facebook email? Facebook.

Facebook: Hey, hey kid.

Me: (gasps)

Facebook: Hey kid - check out all your pictures again. There are only 464. Maybe you should go through all of them again, huh? What say?

Me: Gee, I don't really know if that's a good-

Email: (notification sound)!

Me: Ooh, a email!

Facebook: Wait, come back!

Email: An email.

Me: Come back why? I'll be back in like, one second.

Email: hurry up, I think I'm getting another message soon!

Facebook: No just come back now!!

Me: Facebook can you please chill out? JUST CHILL OUT FACEBOOK

Facebook: aAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!

Email: Serial, just look at the message. You'll forget you got one soon.

Me: I won't forget. Hey, you just chill out, too, okay email?

Facebook: (still screaming)

Email: (whine whine blah blah)

Me: WHOA EVERYBODY JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN

Email: It's just a letter from your opera teacher. She wants to mail you your term paper, like you asked.

Me: yeah, like four weeks ago.

Email: Just email her your mailing address and she'll send it. Oh my God this is going to be so much fun.

Me: Okay whatever.

Facebook: (quietly) uhhhh, Becky?

Me: Let's see, "dear professor henson"? No, what about like, "hi, here's my" no wait that's dumb. How did she start her letter?

Facebook: (slightly louder) ummmmmmmmmmmm Becky? Becky?

Me: What, facebook?

Facebook: (screaming) SERIOUSLY PLEASE COME BACK I THINK SOMEONE JUST WROTE ON YOUR WALL PLEASE JUST COME LOOK

Email: I'm afraid that's quite impossible. I would've known. I would've alerted her.

Me: I don't know, sometimes those emails take a few minutes

Email: (notification sound)! Oh, boo-yah!

Facebook: See? I told you.

(Becky picks up computer and practices heaving it towards window)

Email: Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

(Becky throws it through glass)

Facebook: Don't you want to see who wrote on your (falling volume) waaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll-

Becky: Looks like that's that. (Becky notices cell phone on desk)

Cell Phone: I just love you, that's all.

fin!



This room where I live? It's a GOLDMINE. a burgundy satin goldmine.