Cup-Caker, Junior

It's that time again-

time to take out the old ledger, open it, look at it, and close it again.

And on the inside, you'll find the following printed in the finest cursive:

THE BEST "BEST OF 2005" LIST OF 2005!!
(that looks stupid)
(yeah, stupid hot)

1) yeah, Gabe's still got it. From his classy tortoiseshell interiors to his no-nonsense, inky black paintjob, Gabe Kotter continues to offer me and my passengers a ya-ya of a good time. The 1996 Camry's still got it. My best car of 2005.
2) I fell on the staircase of JJ's Place once and hit every step with my butt. Man, I was so drunk.
3) I assistant-stage-managed the Varsity Show, which ended up giving me life lessons and a raging case of my humps (which, coincidentally, is the best song of 2005). What? I don't get it.
4) the Ringer sure did work hard to get released. Let's hope Strangers with Candy: The Movie can find a similarly resilient spirit underneath its hilarious bottom-half-of-a-fat-suit.
5) My Humps
6) I got into Fruit Paunch and the Varsity Show, which I'm readily calling the Best Improv Group and Student-Produced Musical of 2005
7) Bloggy obviously remains Best Blog of 2005
8) Barnes & Noble Cafe = job. Of 2005. I'm not going to write about it.
9) Best Concert of 2005: Sleater-Kinney. SLEATER-KINNEY. sleater-kinney!
10) Two visits to Late Night with Conan O'Brien!
Best Conan Guests of 2005: Burt Reynolds and the New Pornographers.
Worst Conan Guests of 2005: everyone else (Kenny Chesney, Jamie Kennedy, Lara Flynn Boyle, some guy who actually was pretty good)
11) First Mono Scare
12) First c+ in the ol' grade book
13) The first time I went to Asssscat 3000, Dan and Colin and I walked into the show late. On the way, I remembered that Philippa had seen Will Arnett once when she went, so I told Dan and Colin that if I saw Will Arnett, I'd pee. Two seconds later, we got to the entrance and WHO WAS STANDING OUTSIDE SMOKING BUT GOB BLUTH HIMSELF! So hard, so hard not to say anything to him or look at him or pee. Then later on, he came in from smoking and sat on a bench five feet away from where I was standing. For all these reasons and more, Will Arnett earns the title of Best Celebrity of 2005.
14) There was a really good snow earlier this month
15) Best Murmured Comeback I've Said in 2005: "...stupid mom"
16) There was a really good weekend of parties right around Halloween this year. Halloween = Best Series of Parties of 2005.
17) In May I got this haircut that made me look like the lead singer of Whitesnake, which was AWESOME. Obviously Best Haircut of 2005.
18) Lunch at Rockefeller Center on Fridays = Best Fridays of 2005
19) "Shall We Pants, a never-ending breakfast one-act" = Best Play of 2005
20) Best Month of 2005? I'm not sure. March was okay, June was fine, and September was sort of nice. Maybe September or October. No, late November to early December. That's it - Late November to Early December was the best month of 2005. It's because I started not sucking at Fruit Paunch shows right around that time.
21) For Halloween, I dressed up as a Battered Woman. Best Costume of 2005, or possibly my life. I made fake bruises and running mascara and wore lingerie and everything. A bloodied nose and a black eye?! SURE!
22) I Heart Huckabees = Best Movie Seen in 2005 probably. I don't know for sure, but I'd be willing to post it as the Best Movie Seen in 2005 on some sort of list somewhere.
23) September 11th-17th: Best Birthday Weeklong Extravaganza of 2005. Turning 20 never felt so good!

2005 = best multiple of five of 2005.

HAPPY NEW YEAR IN A FEW DAYS!
from everyone here at my blog to you and yours
barf barf
etc

noisemakers and booze!


CORRECTION:
forget Burt Reynolds - I meant Tom Selleck. Damn this absent-mindedness!
(Here's who else I mix up:
Glenn Close & Meryl Streep
Gregory Hines & Richard Pryor)

Post-Post-Script

uhhh, holy crap?!

Jean Louisa Kelly went to Columbia?! Aaaaaa!

She graduated in 1994,
Matthew Fox graduated in 1989 - would they have crossed paths? No, probably not. But wait- Amanda Peet graduated from columbia in 1994!

My dreams!! They're coming true!
sort of!

Baby Zebra Plus Conan O'Brien Equals My Soul

WAIT STOP THE PRESSES!
There was just a commercial with a woman juggling tic-tacs on her tongue!!

Also, why is it so funny to see talk show hosts try to deal with exotic animals? Is it even funny? Yes, yes it must be. That's where all this laughing comes from. I just don't understand WHY.

Today was a big day with Kit-Kat Turnbladt followed by a lovely party at Tiffany Peon's. You say it "Pee-on," as in "pee-on-me," as in what Katherine's autographed portrait of Amy Sedaris says. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!

Here is how many miles I have run since I've been home: five.
Here is how many miles I had run since ninth grade: ...maybe one...half?

Going to get some food, maybe.
It all depends.

PS You don't actually say it "Pee-on."

What Do The Christmas Folk Do?

I'm not going to lie - Christmas this year missed the gold standard. By a lot. And I just saw a preview for some new Queen Latifah movie called Last Holiday. The tears! They just aren't coming!

Yesterday I woke up to the sound of my cell phone ringing. It was my mother, calling from downstairs so as not to wake me rudely. I crept downstairs, my family crept to the tree, the presents crept open, and my dog refused to move from the couch. And that was quite a shame because I bought him an isaac-mizrahi-for-target trenchcoat for dogs. I took a picture of him in it. I'll find a way to show it to you.

I won:
-6 dvds
-a thing of chocolates
-a pearl necklace of my mother's

I came close to:
-having a tanty at the breakfast table
-learning all of "Acoustic Guitar" by Magnetic Fields on my guitar

I am currently coming close to:
-watching 8 Mile on vh1
-watching my third episode of "My Super Sweet Sixteen"
-going running on the treadmill (which is apparently something I do now)
-wishing Holly a happy birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOLLY!


Oh man, a "My Super Sweet Sixteen" with TRIPLETS?! I can't stop watching now. I hate this stupid show. Wait, the triplets are turning eighteen? That's against the constitution of the show, I thought.

Here's how the triplets differ:
-one is funny
-one is boring
-one is boy-crazy!!

Here's how my triplets would differ:
-one is irish
-one is famous
-one is actually-crazy!!

Lately I've been listening to a lot of the cds C. Mason gave me for my birthday.
How it's turning out:
-well. So far I like Architecture in Helsinki the most.

What I'd like to buy with my Christmukkah money:
-tap shoes
-one of those synthesized drum sets so I don't bother other people while I do all those sweet drum solos
-that's it.

What I'll probably buy:
-the tap shoes

what do the christmas folk do? Make several lists at a time. None of them check-off, oddly.

The Salt...Turns The Bodies...Into Mummies

My Body: hey Becky, let's go get some food.

Me: that sounds reasonable-

My Body: WAIT WAIT I'm soooo tired! Stop walking! Lie down in the hall!

Me: alright

My Head: ow ow ow OW OW OW

Me: What is it?

My Head: ow ow ow OW OWW

My Body: I think it got hurt or something. Maybe it's constipated.

Me: Head, are you ok?

My Head: I ache all over.

My Body: Could you guys take this show on the road and get me some food already?

Me: Yeah, sure.

My Body: Wait I have to pee.

My Head: you always have to pee.

My Body: No I don't

My Head: I think I'd remember.

Me: You Guys! Stopppppppp (then silently mouths "stop"). I'm turning on Look Who's Talking. I saw Bradley Cooper on the sidewalk outside Asssscat 3000 last time. I drive a 1996 Camry! We will eat some turkey if I feel like it!

My Hair: you need to wash me.

Me: right away.

fin


I need to own Look Who's Talking Too. Who will help me own it?

PS Merry Christmas Eve.
PPS Look forward to "Nash Christmas Eve Party: I Better Not Pout or Cry, and Aunt Laurie's Telling Me Why" in an upcoming post.


ADDITIONALLY:
I never said where "extra primo good, sir" is from. It's from the very end of Trading Places, when they're all on a beach and even the butler has a butler. What a movie!

8 Days Left in 2005?

That's a hard pill to swallow.

An easy pill to swallow:
fruity pebbles

FACT: fruity pebbles are for me

FACT: what if I interned for Law and Order: Criminal Intent this summer? They're looking for interns. I'm looking for SVU. Or, really, if we're shooting for the stars, I'm looking for Conan or snl.

FACT: I don't want to watch Tucker Carlson on Conan right now.

FACT: I'm watching a guy play on a piano that's covered with diamonds. He's wearing white boots and a white tuxedo with tails and a vest striped with diamonds. He might be asian. It's on channel 11, which is the christian channel. No wait- he just talked. Not asian. Still covered in diamonds.

FACT: I don't get it.

What makes me laugh out loud?
1) old episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos
2) bratty kids being jerks and then muttering "...stupid mom"
3) this image I made up of the little girl from Problem Child 2 wearing traffic cop clothes and pulling a guy over to give him a ticket and then, when the guy says "this can't be happening!" she says "it just did."
4) pretty much anything GOB Bluth says
5) pretty much anything Buster Bluth does
6) the idea of a woman putting shaving cream on her face and then guiltily shaving her face
7) when strangers wink at me

which happens a lot. Not a lot, just more than it should happen. More than I'd expect it to happen. Which is a lot.

What's this?! The Nanny's on?!
bitchin?!

Why My Magic 8 Ball Magic Date Ball Fell Through

bye, college. hi, home.
Hi, Gabe the camry.
Hi, shower the clean private shower.
Hi, Conan my favorite talk show host.
Hi, making bourbon balls with mom.
Hi, stupid shit job at barnes and noble cafe.
Bye, wallach dorm room.
Bye, snow on streets.
Bye, wasabi peas.
Hi, wasabi peas?
Hi, memories of seeing Brokeback Mountain today.
Bye, pudding I ate during Brokeback Mountain.
Bye, eggs that have been in my fridge since October.
Bye, other perishables in my fridge.
Hi, perishables in the fridge at home.
Hi, nachos.

Hi, c+ in Intro Psych.
WHAT?
whoops!

I Bought A Vest

I think I'd like to purchase a nice suit soon. Preferably a well tailored, forest green, three-piece suit. Why forest green? Because I think it might just be that extra oomph that'll get me noticed, that's why.

Recently I have bought:
1) a vest
2) a plaid jacket on sale (and I had been waiting for it to go on sale for quite a while)
3) a christmas present for matt
4) a little black dress/blue fur...sweater? short coat? combination for Grace's Christmas Office Party
5) a shirt that looks like one I just got from urban, only it was from forever 21 so I (of course) spent a third of what I spent on the other one
6) a black shirt with white lace, which I returned today due to ill-fit
7) some guy's soul
8) a bottle of water
9) some nuts 4 nuts
10) the entire 6-part cd set of sophie b. hawkins's greatest hitz
11) a book on how to make up fake lists
12) a pamphlet on how to make only half of the list fake
13) four more pamphlets
14) block of cheese from dean & deluca

with my chanukkah/christmas money I plan to buy:
1) a memory stick for my computer
2) other great stuff.

today Hannah and I made a day of it by going to:
1) Loehmans
2) Xie's Mexican/Asian Restaurant
3) the Wired store (going in there is like going into the future or a world's fair with robots and things!)
4) h&m
5) the subway station

seriously, how many sophie b. hawkins songs can play in immediate succession on my computer? two?! BLECH!

Sometimes girls think it's ok to stand outside my door and talk on their phones really loudly FOREVER.
Sometimes shook-up old ladies get cut.

So I Blew A Fuse

in the wall. Now a lot of my outlets won't work (a lot meaning four of them). Did I mention drunk again?

I mean, I know that's two in a week, but I just finished all my exams and it's friday night slash saturday morning. I'm worried that Tess worries about me. I have until Wednesday to set things in New york City straight. I think I can do it. The snow melted.

drinking water now. with an advil and a vitamin. that way, no unpleasantries. Trust us, it works. mon coeur qui bat!

italian exam = maybe not last sighting of vlad
cc exam = last exam of the semester
film paper = asshole that kept me up all night before two finals.

that's ok, that's okay guys guys guys. I ate some pizza.

I have a mug with little kids eating cake on it. This makes me think of cosby's thing where he's all "dad is great - gave us chocolate cake!" for breakfast. I should watch Cosby more. The old one, of course. Doug E Doug SUCKS.

here's what comes on after "la vie en rose": "the car song" by elastica, which is a woman singing about how much she loves cars. It's one of the things in my life, I guess.

IN YOUR FORD FIESTA!!

If Not, I'll Just Die

Some free association before my art hum final:

Bruegel
bagel
whitefish salad
salad
lettuce
chik fil a salad with sunflower seeds
sunflower seeds
baseball at briarlake when I was five
royals
boy getting nailed in the balls by a hit
umpire letting him sit on his knee
umpire knew matt
matt doing sports
matt doing band
the trombone
columbia's orchestra
mike's concert
mike
that painting on mike's wall that's sort of like an escher painting
escher paintings
hogwarts
harry potter
specifically the last one
carly eating pumpkin pie in the theater
me buying four different types of candy at morton williams before we go
anna paquin movie being filmed outside the theater
anna paquin sucks
fly away home sucked
soap in eyes
the show Soap
mary campbell
burt campbell
empty nest
night court
matt watches night court
I downloaded the theme from night court
I downloaded "you gotta be" by des'ree
that's Barnard's school song
the barnard radio station
Dave 'n' Dave
biscuits in a pot
matzah-ball soup in said pot
unopened box of soup mix in cabinet
cabinet of dr. caligari
germans in general


I guess that's it. Was Bruegel german? That would make a nice inclusio.
Listen, all I know about Bruegel is that he did this print called "The big fish eats the little fish," and one of the other guys credited for it is named Hieronymous Cock. Just saying.

I Met You At JC Penney

so, classes are over. I neglected my traditional all-nighter of the semester, and for that I am truly sorry.

but then, I'M ALWAYS SORRY. jk jk ha ha always sorry what a larf booo hooo hooooooo

funny, I'm not drunk this time...yet it comes out sounding exactly the same.

I said "lady, step inside my hyundai"

tomorrow = study all day in the library
three minutes from now = do improv show at the Wallach study break
fifty minutes from now = cry in my room
twenty-four hours ago = best show EVER in the basement of the West End
seriously, best. show. ever.
sixty hours from now = sleep some?
twenty years from now = reflect
forty-eight hours ago = go to ASSSSCAT 3000 and watch ladies and gents such as:
rachel dratch
amy poehler
seth meyers
a bunch of other really funny people
and tim meadows
perform some ridiculous improvisational comedy,
with Alec Baldwin as the monologist.

oh geez.

But Lacey Does. Lacey Does.

hahahaaahahah oh comments!

oh drunk on the first night of reading week!

oh jumbo 3-hour long CC class and then hour-long film section tomorrow?!
uh-oh but guess what I CAN'T UNDO THE BUTTERSCOTCH SCHNAPPS NOW!

I'll just power through. I took a nap today. The West End show went extra-primo well.

"extra primo-good, sir" NAME THAT MOVIE!!

I'll tell you where it's from in the next one, obviously

clean up for christmas, you sloppy mess! You're all sloppy messes! Everyone except Lacey!

AND YOU?! YOU'RE A MESS AND A HALF! Clean up your act, soldier! What is this, a wake?!

YA YA!!!!!

The Yard Was Cold And Dark

different kinds of cake and pie:
-chocolate
-white
-pound
-lemon meringue
-key lime
-angel food
-pecan
-cherry
-strawberry-rhubarb
-chess
-mincemeat
-sweet potato
-pumpkin


bad news:
I did worse than I thought on the last psychology test.

bad news:
I'm sleepy but have to
1) do work
2) go to the samantha show
3) go to the varsity show party
before I can sleep

bad news:
tomorrow is the last Dave 'n' Dave of the semester

bad news:
lately I've been putting my feet in those gutter-puddles that don't look so deep but in actuality ARE so deep

bad news:
so cold

good news:
got my plane tickets

good news:
did well on my art hum paper

good news:
chances are, I'll sleep at some point

good news:
I read a gilmore girls episode recap

bad news:
I miss lost and gilmore girls all the time these days

good news:
there's always the chance someone will buy me a vcr/tv for christmas

bad news:
the chance is more like one in a million

good news:
so you're saying there's a chance

SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S A CHANCE.

Bail This Town!!

Mary, look!

Everyone else, DON'T LOOK! Or do. Who cares?

not me.

Straight Pins Keep My Presidential Square Of Fabric On The Desk Chair

I feel gross because:

1) my hands feel dirty
2) I tried to get pretzels out of the vending machine today, but the computer in the machine changed the "A" button to a "C" code and I consequently got lays
3) there are all these open food things on my desk
4) sleepache
5) did terrible job on italian oral exam today
6) could use some sleep
7) am fatter than usual
8) sleep would be enjoyed by me
9) Locke calls my name
(not John Locke from LOST)
(the other John Locke) (his grandfather or something? I'm not sure, but they must be related)
10) haven't watched LOST in a while
11) haven't watched any tv show I care for in a while
12) my nose hurts because the sleepache spread to there
13) now to my ear and also inside my brain
14) screw barnes and noble when I get back home - I'm going to be sleeping for three weeks
15) three weeks of sleep, that's all I need
16) sleep, this remote control, and that's all
17) sleep, this remote, and this chair...and this mug, and that's all I need...and this pushpin

let's talk Locke. That's how I'll do the work - I'll read it as I write this. That'll do the trick! Maybe you're hallucinating!
-men are equal by nature
-everyone is bound to preserve himself
-doesn't agree with Hobbes sort of
-legal to kill a thief because the thief put himself into a state of war with me
-that's good to know, I guess
-I think if I had to kill someone with my bare hands, I'd try to do that grab-head-from-behind-and-twist thing. It seems quick and sort of painless and at least quiet. And once Chip Broun taught me how to do it. They learn everything in the Navy!
-sorry Locke, you're just not getting read tonight.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH. There, I said it. Now Locke can finally shut up about it.

Why Do I Keep Thinking About Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher?

it's true...I find my mind returning to the image of Nick Freno trying to pose for a cigarette ad and then letting guilt take over all the time. He can't be in the ad! What if his students see it?! They'll get the wrong idea.

Also, here's the last line of a response I just wrote (and coincidentally, perhaps the reason I'm so lonely):
"In the end, Thomas Hobbes and I would just have to agree to disagree."

Half of me has:
-one blue eye
-five fat fingers
-one size-6 foot
-fully functioning kidney
-mysterious bruises galore
-a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island
-a tattoo of a fairy...playin' the guitar
-one paper cut, healing nicely
-$12.50's worth of face-piercings
-an over-developed deltoid muscle
-is that a muscle or a tendon
-half a bottle of sprite
-probably some stray marks from a pen

that's it.

Winter A-Go-Go

Hello, hello. How're you finding the morning so far, Becky? Did you chance to peek out your window yet?

Uhhh good morning good morning. Should I peek out my window?

You might consider it

Alright, here I go-
OH DEAR LORD IT'S A WINTER WONDERLAND.

Snow snow snow! I made biscuits and took them to Dave 'n' Dave with Hector and Grace! I walked in the snow! I wore layers! One of the layers is a flannel shirt! MAKE WAY FOR WINTER, SAD-SACKS!

What's a sad-sack? Oh, whoops. Thanks, merriam-webster online. I guess you might not be an inept soldier per se, but at the same time, you totally are. WE ALL ARE. AND WE'RE DOING IT UNDERNEATH A BLANKET OF SNOW!