Is This The Little Girl I Carried?

I'm working on a birthday wishlist even as I type, so

get ready

for

a

veritable

WEALTH

of

options

to get me on/before/in the vicinity of 13 september.
Which is twenty years -to the day- after I was born.

I packed and mailed four boxes today. It was ROUGH, friends. I dropped the big one on the sidewalk outside the post office. Then I pretty much left it there because that's just how I roll. Sorry, box. Maybe you shouldn't be so big next time.

I'm flying back to New York tomorrow, and I can't even try to accept it. The idea that THREE and a HALF months have gone by since I've seen such friends as:
1) Indiana Hedgay
2) Viper (alias Go-To-Bed Hillier)
3) Tess the Desk (even though I just made that up, I feel like it's an amazing nickname for the only girl to put the T in TAB)
is as bizarre as your wrinkly, wrinkly fingers.

"no visible shaking"

that's the last three words of what paris just said. Name that Show! Katherine can. Probably a bunch of other people can. Venture a guess if you must. yawn the comments section is always open...to the bourgeoisie.

How bourgeois!

Living The Dream

Oh my God what is the Weiner Philharmonic doing in "Starved?"

that wasn't the 'living' of 'the dream' I was referring to, but now I can't remember what I was referring to, and I'm just pretty excited about seeing Gabe Liedman behind the main anorexic guy at the Eating Disorder Support Group.

What was I thinking about when I decided to use this entry title? Maybe it was the fact that I finally saw Ode to Billy Joe last night. Robby Benson, Robbbbbbbbyy Bennnnnnsonnnnnn can you hear me?! Can you hear me say that I love you?! The movie's theory of why Billy Joe threw himself off the Tallahatchie Bridge threw me a complete curveball. Did NOT see it coming. Nope, not at all.

ROBBY!

So I mean, what I guess I'm going to do right now is maybe catch a little shut-eye. Whoooo-eeeeeee 11:39 pm, what a night!

No binging for 90 days? That's hardly fair, anorexic-girl-who-is-friends-with-main-anorexic-guy. Hardly.

Uncle Buck, I Love You So

But why?

WHY?!
Why do I love Uncle Buck so?

Let me tell you just a few of the things I love in this movie:

1) little baby macaulay culkin little baby macaulay culkin little baby macaulay culkin little baby macaulay culkin little baby macaulay culkin

2) that part where tia drinks coffee and she tells uncle buck "I'm not doing it to impress you"

3) all the little-kid cursing in the first scene

4) when little baby macaulay culkin comes into the kitchen (after the coffee thing) and sees uncle buck cooking an omelette and says "he's cooking our garbage!"

5) that bowling alley scene where the greasy toothpick-in-mouth guy tries to get tia to come out to the parking lot to see his brand-new bronco (red), and then tia whispers "I can't talk...I have a sore throat" and he's like "I got a cure for that." GROSS

6) that bowling alley scene when Maisy rolls the bowling ball so slowly that it stops rolling one inch before the pins

7) how nice it is when tia stops being a bitch at the end of the movie

8) tia's mom's face when they're hugging at the end because tia has stopped being a superbitch

9) the part when uncle buck ties up Bug and puts him in the trunk and then hits golf balls at him

10) amy madigan amy madigan AMY MADIGAN amy madigan!

11) when little baby macaulay culkin asks tia if she's looking out the window because she's "waiting for her sex"


I mean, I could go on. Shall I go on?

No?

I miss John Candy so much. John Candy would want me to continue the list.

12) when uncle buck tells off the moley vice principal and accidentally calls himself "uncle wart...I mean melanoma head"

13) HOLY CRAP, THE GIANT BREAKFAST!

14) Maisy's teacher: Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maisy: He couldn't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maisy's teacher: BLASPHEMER!!

that's all I can say right now. I wish I were watching Uncle Buck right now.
OH WAIT I AM.

PS can somebody please find my car a catalytic converter so the repairs can be made in a more timely fashion? Seriously, I've been without Mr. Kotter for two days now and I'm not happy. I miss Gabe and I'd bet a hundred dollars that he misses me even more. I miss you, Gabe. How many paint-by-numberses can I do this weekend while I'm stuck at home without a car?!

Do You Guys Remember When I Figured Out That "Shower" Is An Anagram For "Whores?" Wasn't That Crazy?

Big News!
Ione Skye, the girl from Say Anything, is DONOVAN'S DAUGHTER!
And she was married to Adam Horovitz (Adrock) from the Beastie Boys for a little while!

Will the wonders never cease?
NO THEY WILL NOT.

And thanks, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, for writing a book that sets me straight: all guys are just not that into me. That's great. Thanks, buddies.

Additional thanks to Ione Skye, who inspired my second movie triangle by starring in Say Anything with John Cusack, who was in The Sure Thing with Daphne Zuniga, who was in Cityscrapes with Ione Skye.

Wham bam thank you ma'am!

(Movie triangle #1? Kevin Bacon was in Footloose with Lori Singer, who was in The Man With One Red Shoe with Tom Hanks, who was in Apollo 13 with Kevin Bacon)

But The Tape Gun - Not So Nice

Today, on my last day of work, the tape gun mangled my left hand. Mangled it. Maybe "mangle" isn't the word.
It clawed the puffy part of my palm, near the base of my thumb. And it hurts like ashley b-hole, especially when I played with Mary Stephenson's sockem boppers tonight.

The sockem boppers make the pain worthwhile.

I Used A Pricing Gun!

...and it was more fun than I could've ever hoped to imagine.


so let's see funny stuff funny stuffffffffff
... to writttttteeeeeee.....here we go...about to get funnnnnyyyy...wow it's really not happening.


How about what I dreamed last night:

I wanted to get off a plane and then when I tried, the plane (which had landed and was connected to the airport with a walking bridge) was in the air again and I was flung temporarily into the air. Then this really pissed-off flight attendant pulled me back in, which in turn, pissed me off. So I could still sort of fly (because of the gravity? (what?)) and I flew into the cabin again, which was now a banquet hall, and there was this devilish guy who was trying to charm the entire gala of former plane passengers. I flew at the awful-in-disguise guy, but the flying was really shaky and low to the ground, and then when I got to him, I did a really half-assed job of punching him out. For instance, I'd try to punch him but then I'd finish the punch before it hit his face, so it was like a little nudge at his face every time. Then he pulled out a knife. He let me keep trying to beat him up, but I knew he was going to get tired of this farce and knife me before too long. I woke up when I got too bored with not beating him up. That was a useless dream.

And it was the second dream I've had where I could fly. Both flying dreams let me down, though - in both of them, I could only fly like two feet off the ground and I constantly felt like I was hooked up on a climbing rope that gave me waaaaaay too much slack. And I could never really propel myself forward. My first flying dream had something to do with The Stand.

Nothing was crazier than the underwater-train-alligator dream. NOTHING. Maybe Hannah and Tess are crazier. But they're not dreams, OR ARE THEY?

Rachel McAdams Haunts My Dreams

Seriously. She's amazing, she's a whole new form of life - green eyes blazing and she's going to be my wife.

I saw Red Eye with mom this afternoon. I'm a little worried - but not too worried - about the fact that I just wanted Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams to have sex the whole time. Yeah, yeah, he's a sociopath and a killer and blah blah blah, but he was still just innocuous enough to convince me that it wouldn't be out of the question for them to get...busy. I'm just saying. Maybe I'll regret saying it later.

After the movie, my mother got a wild hair to go to abbadabba's, which is a store neither of us had ever been to. It was a mistake. There was difficulty finding the place, people were called shitheads, car doors were allegedly slammed...but then we got over it and I went to this creepy needlework shop next to abbadabba's where the cross-eyed proprieter (Mary) introduced herself to me and shook my hand. She smelled like cigars and there was a big black bird behind the register. She gave me her business card. I left immediately.

Last night at work:
ME: Jenn, I'm going to sweep the floor now, I think.

Coworker (Jenn): Knock yourself out.

ME: laughter

because guess what, guys. "knock yourself out" is hilarious. I'm having so much fucking fun pushing around this dumb broom, dancing in circles and whooping so much that I actually knock myself out and have to take a little nap. I couldn't stop laughing and it was all I could do not to act out what I was imagining as I swept.

Now That She's Home Again, She Can Write The Longest, Most Tedious Entry EVER (And You'll Read It Avec Plaisir)

Thursday morning, 10:38 am. Norcross, Georgia. Last shower, Tuesday...morning (in another continent)?

Here's everything I didn't have time to write before:
MONDAY: I sprinted through the Atlanta airport to arrive just in time for AirTran #355 to be delayed 8 hours. We sat in the terminal for a while, then in the plane for a while, then back in the terminal for a while. AirTran paid for me to have a teriyaki salad from the airport O'Charleys. I hate O'Charleys.

Anecdote: While we were waiting in the plane (not going anywhere) I got up to go to the bathroom, and this lame-ass stewardess man announced that everyone should try to keep their seatbelts on. I got all the way to the bathroom, put one foot in the stupid door, and the steward got on the PA system again to say "that means you ma'am - please return to your seat." At that point, I turned around to look in the aisle, which was empty, and every single fucking passenger was turned around in his seat, staring at me. So then I said something like "Hi everybody" and sat back down. Thanks a lot, big dumb bitch flight attendant man.

Then my phone battery died, so my grandmother AND mother had separate but equal heart attacks by the time I got in at midnight.

TUESDAY: I saw Mike and Diet and Mike's friend at Columbia in the afternoon. We had some Indian food and renewed our love of racial slurs, sweet sweet racial slurs. Then in the evening, our flight to London was delayed two hours. I watched Monster-In-Law while we waited, which I saw for the first time on the afternoon before Dan Byrne's wedding. I think it's the first movie I went to alone. Not in a sad way. Stop crying.

WEDNESDAY: I slept all day and then I think had some tea?

THURSDAY: We shopped so much that I wanted to die. Don't go to Harrod's unless you:
a) are a millionaire
b) love looking at really nice things and then denying yourself them
c) are invisible and can turn everything you touch invisible, making it possible to steal a lot of crap from Harrod's
d) work there
e) are a jerk.
Then we saw The Producers. Stop crying.

FRIDAY: I don't remember. I think we had Lebanese food for dinner.

SATURDAY: We did...something, and then we had dinner at a restaurant that had a wall and ceiling of windows. I had two cosmopolitans and almost couldn't walk. Then we saw Billy Elliot and there was this tiny little Scottish boy in it. His big line is calling the boxing teacher a wanker.

Here is what happened when I told my mom about it:
Mom: You know what that means! Do you know what a wank is, Becky?
Becky: Yeah it-
Mom: It means penis.

fin

SUNDAY: Matt didn't want me to tape him and Ali in the middle of Pret A Manger, so I got mad and was cross all the way through the National Portrait Gallery.

Something I Learned About Myself:
I really, passionately hate going to museums with other people (more than one other person). There's no way to get the timing right, so you end up spending three hours in each stupid room, and then you eventually get in trouble for trying to bite the fifteenth picture of stupid Charles II you see with your dull, yellow teeth. GROSS.

I had to split off from the family and walk through Trafalgar Square (where a man asked if I was lost, if I was Australian, and if he didn't like my sunglasses, then asked if I was lost again).

MONDAY: Ali and I bought two tickets for the London Eye, England's largest sight-seeing ferris wheel. Then we had belgian waffles.

Then we ate at Gordon Ramsay and it was easily the best meal of my entire life.
Here were the courses:
-An assortment of little flaky pastry tubes that had either smoked salmon or avocado inside.
-Two very thin slices of fried potato, made into a sandwich with cream cheese scallion filling in between
-An eggshell filled with basil cream and white tomato mousse
-A tiny brioche with aubergine and tomato filling
-A blini with a few different types of caviar on it
-My appetizer, which was saddle of rabbit with this fried spoon with french mustard, liver and caramelized onions on the side, and a white wine that was recommended by the waiter to accompany it
-My entree, which was roasted pigeon with morels and a red wine that was also recommended
-A surprise creme brulee with a secret ingredient that we had to figure out. I thought it was basil, then Matt thought it was anise, then it turned out to be tarragon.
-An apple tarte tatin
-Some thin chocolate discs with apricot filling
-Small chocolate-biscuit cones with mango filling

I almost died.

Seriously.

TUESDAY: flight back to New York

WEDNESDAY: I sat around Columbia a little, almost got to see Tess, and flew back home after a mere hour delay this time. AirTran, you lovable scamp! I sat in the last row of the plane, in what would be the window seat if they had windows in rows that far back. I guess you can't put a window right next to the jet engine. The seat next to me was broken. I read three magazines.

Then Marta sucked a lot and mom brought Sparkey when she picked me up at the station, so I had to share the passenger seat with my dog on the way home. I almost threw up on him. I can never chew gum again. I need my wisdom teeth to be taken out. I'm still about to throw up. From what? I have no idea.

Here is what my brother and I sang as we walked through the airport when we got to London:
"He Is An Englishman" from HMS Pinafore

Here is what my brother and I sang as we walked through the airport when we got to New York:
I don't remember.
"Everybody Wang Chung Tonight?"
"Happy To Be In America?"

Who knows at this point? I'm back and that's that and hat pat on the rack!


Everything free in America, for a small fee in Amer-ee-ca!

Billy Elliot, The Musical - What ARE You?

Amazing, that's what you are.

What do I, only go to musicals when I'm in London? Apparently.

I love getting comments from my comic-genius friends (that is, all the comments I've been getting recently, aside from the singles ones, are HILARIOUS and should be carved upon some sort of permanent stone for posterity).

I shopped on Portobello Road today (what did I buy? Anything and everything a chap can unload, they're sold by the barrel at pooooooortobellllloo roooaaad). Drunk again, PS.

Four drinks tonight, guys. I might die. Just kidding I probably won't. But what if I did?

I have to make this fast, just like my penultimate entry (that's not how you use that word, is it?), so I'll leave it at this:

Portobello Road is in Notting Hill,
I saw no big blue door in Notting Hill,
I hate the movie Notting Hill,
I bought a Vietnamese silk shirt that already has some holes in it at the street fair.

Also some postcards. Sorry Amanda, you expressly demanded that I not send you one, so you'll be the odd girl out because I totally WILL have time to write them, contrary to everything you think. And everything you do. You're wild!! You're wahhhhld!!

Dance, Billy, DANCE!

Bialystock And Bloom

Hey thanks, singles website, for commenting on my blog and making me look like a pervert for nothing I did to deserve it. Wow I hate you so much

and I'm so drunk right now

off of my first-ever legal drink! MILESTONE!

So I always promised myself that my first legal drink would be an appletini (why? because it's fucking hilarious, that's why). And lo and behold, London says it's ok when you're over 18 to drink up

so I said OK BUDDY I WILL

and WOULD YOU PLEASE BRING ME AN APPLETINI?

and of course THANK YOU FOR THIS APPLETINI - IT HITS THE SPOT.

Also I think JD on Scrubs drank appletinis a lot, and it was around the time that I watched Scrubs faithfully that I made this promise to myself.

So anyways, I'm in a London kinkos and it's infinitely cheaper to use the internet here, so I'll write and write like there's no freaking tomorrow

because what if there wasn't any tomorrow? Wouldn't I be glad that I wrote this guy?

YES.

If I were concious enough to be glad.

We saw "The Producers" tonight and it was great. Before that I ate some Hake at a restaurant. Hake is a type of fish. I also had some jellied eel and spotted dick. Holy crap it's Britain!!

Thoughts on Hake, jellied eel, and spotted dick:
Hake - (no thoughts)
jellied eel - not AS disgusting as you'd think; very disgusting to look at; incredibly disgusting to reconcile what you just ate with what your image of jellied eel is
spotted dick - it's a sponge cake with raisins in it and some honey. I just hope it clears up before prom...WORST PROM EVER.

You guys? you guys. I'm so drunk right now! There's too many swastikas in the bathroom wah wah wah. seriously though I'm trashed. Off of one appletini. What will become of this one?

This one right here! Me!

Stop commenting on my blog, you crazy crazy uninvited singles website big dumb bitches.

And, most importantly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHERINE!

Literally The Fastest Post Ever

I'm running out of time - right now there are 2 minutes and 5 seconds left on this computer, for which I have paid a fortune.

So I'll write more funny crap later...this is just a fast fast one to say that I'm here and you guys should suck a lemon.

Shut up shut up I know I only have 70 seconds left you stupid computer!

More later

PS I love it when planes DON'T get delayed 8 hours

My New Favorite Insult

Here's my favorite thing that happened at work to-day:

Milk Evasion

Becky stands at the cash register staring at some woman standing in front of the register. The woman refuses to speak first

Becky: Hi! What can I get for you today?

Woman: I need a coffee, no wait two, no actually just one. Grande. One grande coffee. And also a latte. Two.

Becky: Two lattes?

Woman: No no no two drinks total.

Becky: Ok...I know.

Woman: And I also want a berry cheesecake.

Becky: We have berry cheesebars...do you want one for here or to go?

Woman: looks at me like I just asked in spanish

Becky: For here...or to...go?

Woman: Berry.

Helpful coworker gives woman a berry cheesebar on a plate

Woman: looks disdainfully at food on plate

Becky: looks at woman as if to say, "you ordered it."

Woman: I think this is frozen.

Becky: I guarantee it's not frozen.

Woman: Look at it. It looks hard.

Becky: Well have you felt it? Is it cold?

Woman: Look at how it just stays up on the plate.

Becky: It's not frozen...it's just maintaining its shape. It wouldn't like, melt onto the plate-

Woman: Could you get me a new one?

Becky: Certainly. Becky takes plate and removes berry cheesebar by stabbing it with a fork. She then puts a new berry cheesebar on the same plate (one that is theoretically MORE frozen than the first, as we employ the FIFO method) and gives it to the woman.

Woman: THAT'S better.

Becky: Can I get you anything else?

Woman: No, that'll be all. Thanks.

Becky: You're welcome, ya big dumb BITCH.

Then Hannah comes in and gives Becky a high five for being such a complete badass. Her initials aren't BA for nothing, guys.

fin



YA BIG DUMB BITCH!

Oh My God, So I Deserve To Be This Fat?!

Joey And Janice's DAY OF FUN!!
wherein
Janice = Mark
and I guess
Joey = Becky

Mark this day as the craziest motherfather day of the entire effing summer. Mark it!!
First by myself, I:
-overslept my phone therapy
-finished reading The Stranger and, much to my dismay, did not enjoy it as much as I was supposed to
-had a bagel with whitefish salad Oh LORD YES such a delicious breakfast

Then with Mark, I:
-found a lake that's literally five minutes away from my house. Never knew about it. It's Berkeley Lake and I always knew about it as a community, but I never knew there was an actual lake in there. I heard that Berkeley Lake Elementary is where Henry Thomas went to school. Henry Thomas was Elliott in E.T.

-went putt-putting on a pirate ship IMPOSSIBLE golf course

-threw both of our golf balls into the water so that the metal sharks might feed upon them

-went to this mysterious store called "Aldi." Inside were boxes of german generic-brand cereal and markers. And there was shrink-wrapped produce. And also there were no cashiers. We saw a lady steal an entire cart of groceries as we ran screaming from the store.

-ate some ice cream at Coldstone, which was nextdoor to this movie theater (the Reeeg) where some christian film was premiering. All these dressed-up people were going into the theater, so Mark and I had to put on our detective hats and read the movie poster that one of them was holding. It's about Abraham, I think. My forebear.

-saw some flying contraption connected to a parachute. What was the contraption? Well, I thought that it was maybe one of those bicycle flying machines, but Mark thought it was a fart. Agree to disagree.

-Seriously what was that thing?

Then with Katherine, I:
-went to the Super Wal-Mart to pick up a few things

-watched the premieres of "Starved" and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on FX

-enjoyed the latter, was mildly appalled by the former

and then when I left Katherine's house I saw a great big spider
and
it was lightning in the clouds ominously.

So I sped home and got on the internet as quickly as possible, so as to attract any and all lightning to my computer, apparently.

Don't worry, I'm ok. Steve Urkel got struck by lightning twice in the same episode.

I heard if you get struck by lightning, your skin looks like a spider web from where all your capillaries exploded. Spider web...spider outside Katherine's house...oh my God it's all coming together

Not Getting Hassled, Not Getting Hustled

Stella. In Lerner Hall!

Stella
AND
Lerner Hall
together
-forever-
on my vhs blank tape.

I saw my mailbox on Stella last night...and I can't stop freaking out.

What next what next

how about a list of why the 2004-2005 holiday season sucked more than a hooker on V-J day:

September:
My birthday - I ate dinner in the dining hall twice, and that was it.

October:
Halloween - Katherine's visit to New York ended on that day, and then later on I accidentally saw Taylor and Mark making out, which was new and uncomfortable.

November:
Thanksgiving - I flew home on Thanksgiving, and then I think we had duck or ham or something else that was distinctly NOT turkey.

December:
first I missed my flight home and had to pay $500 for another ticket on the day before Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve - I played Mary at the living nativity at my church. Wait, was that this year or two years ago? Whichever one, it was so awkies that it might as well have been yesterday.
Christmas - our cousins were in town, so I couldn't have the nuclear family Christmas I treasure so much.
New Year's Eve - got yelled at in Downtown Atlanta's Peach Drop. Crowded bathrooms (Pee and keep it moving WHAT pee and keep it moving!).

January:
New Year's Day - hungover and force-fed collard greens

February:
Valentine's Day - it's Valentine's Day and I'm catatonic

March:
St. Patrick's Day - spent in the hospital at my mother's side because some fucktarded ER doctor gave her an anti-nausea medicine to which she was horribly allergic.

April:
Passover - only half the family was at the seder, and my mother didn't fly up.

So that's why it sucked so much. Absolutely none of this is exaggeration - it only seems like I exaggerate because I didn't put in any of the good things that happened

(for instance:
My birthday - Grandma Bobbie took me out for Chinese later on that weekend
New Year's Eve - 'Pee and keep it moving' is a pretty amazing improvised song
Passover - chopped liver + manischewitz = the Pesach dreamteam).

Let's make the 2005-2006 holiday season count, guys. For Pete's sake, let's make it count.


How am I turning 20 in a month?

And lastly:
I'm coming to New York on Monday (five days from now) before I fly to London with Grandma Bobbie, Matt, and Ali on Tuesday. Just saying. Mike already knows. Does Tess?
Just saying.
I'll be in town.
Monday.
FINALLY

He Left River City The Library Building But He Left All The Books To Her

performance anxiety