Wealth Of Fatties

See, this one is called "Wealth Of Fatties" because I was looking, and I really liked the "Toward a Feminist Theory of Cake" one. That's a book and so's this. Only I made them better. I made you better, cc.

I had one drink at Ali's and then fell asleep during project runway. Now I'm on this guy eating fritos that look like rigatoni and I was 20 cents short for the taxi, so I was like "ok just let me off here, here is fine, here HERE now NOW remember how I told you at the beginning I only have $8?" and the guy was all "I'll take you the rest of the way, no worries." So that was lame but also amazing. Like the time I got a gyro from a street guy for $2 instead of $3. Everything's relative.

Everything's relative including my relatives, who are coming in tomorrow to Atlanta for the wedding of my cousin Karen. I'll be in town for 48 hours. Just 48 hours? That's all I'll need. I'm going to:
a) get drunk
b) get married
c) get crazy
d) keep an orderly guest book for Karen
e) drive Gabe around
f) cruise him around, really
g) get sleep
h) talk to the guy next to me on the plane (if he's cool-looking (permanent addendum))
i) get NUTSO drunk
in 48 hours.

48 nutso drunk hours of relatives, non-alcoholic wedding receptions, and sober wedding dancing. And yes, Dave Eggers, I admire you that much more for writing that sober wedding dancing thing at the end of You Shall Know Our Velocity!, since it's apparently all I ever do now. That S is difficult.

¡Muy difícil!

To The Moon Landing, On Her 37th Birthday

I should've written this yesterday. Because today isn't her birthday, and now she's dead ANYWAY and all that's left - all that's ever left - is lonely Peter Gallagher and his lonely, lonely beach. And his huge waggly eyebrows.

I have to run errands today, but I'd rather not call them "errands," since "errands" is pretty close to "brainstorming" in terms of how much I fucking hate those words.
So I'll say that I have to obliterate a to-do list today.

Also, I'll say that I make to-do lists during the year to remember everything, but I alternate titling them "to-do," "ta-da," and "honey, do!"

One of the items on the list I'm to obliterate is getting my ipod fixed for the fourth time. For the FOURTH TIME I HATE YOU IPOD I HATE YOU FOR BREAKING FOUR TIMES AND HAVING FOUR DIFFERENT HARD DRIVES AND THAT'S STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH
and furthermore, I have to:
-send a letter
-retrieve Philippa's and my mail
-cash some checks
-retrieve a netflix from the package center
-buy advil
-watch more Dinosaurs

So why all the history now?

Kelly Likes Shoes

Let's get some shoes. LET'S PARTY.

"All Twisted Around And Backwards"

that's what my wisdom teeth are, according to the guy. Numbers 1 and 16 are snaggleteeth. And they're raring to get surgically removed.

What's so funny about all this Suri Holmes Cruise noise is that in Travels with my Aunt, the guy's [fake] mom wears increasing amounts of padding for nine months to pretend that she's pregnant with him. So what I'm saying is that not only did they completely rip off the book, but also that the baby isn't even real so there's no way she could eventually go on travels with her aunt. Which is sad, because the aunt did really crazy things, like smuggle pot into Turkey and work in a whorehouse in Italy. Don't you agree that's sad for Suri? I do.

whoa, busted.

Also, I've had to break my have-a-drink-everyday-this-summer pledge since I've been at home. But then tonight I mended the pledge. Big Time.
Good News! I'm a lightweight again!
Bad News! I might throw up now!

WHOA, BUSTED!

Trust Me, Suri Holmes-Cruise Is Made-Up

just trust me.

Stephen Colbert Teaches Sunday School

and to demonstrate, he just started singing the song he sings at the end of the Strangers With Candy cult episode (the two-parter). The one where he's like "the nation rejoices!" something something "lift up your voices!!" in the empty classroom.
You know which one. Right? Not the "I'm gonna sit at the welcome table" one. The other one.

After Colbert finishes on Conan, Rainn Wilson will be on. And I'll be FREAKING OUT.

Then tomorrow morning, I'll get the good doctor marra to tell me when and how he plans on taking out my wisdom teeth.

ps colbert in ninth grade equals not attractive
pps I just finished Congo and am now reading Brazil. I didn't mean to do that. They're really different books, too, so it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. It's just that they would look silly in a list together.
ppps Here are the books I've read this summer:
Portnoy's Complaint
Travels with my Aunt
Plaza Suite
Congo
Brazil (pending)
pppps right?

The Italian Soccer Team Is Getting So Drunk And So Laid Tonight

and what was with that headbutt?

My friends and I were trying to figure out what Materazzi said to Zidane to deserve a HEADBUTT to his STERNUM during the LAST GAME OF ZIDANE'S CAREER, but we couldn't think of anything. Do they even speak the same language? Why couldn't they be like those other guys that helped each other up after some of the plays? That was nice to watch. Ditto for all the ass-grabbing.

for the fourth of July, I:
-rode the subway out to Coney Island, where Hannah and I ate hot dogs but did not see the competition
-sat in Battery Park in the rain for a free Belle and Sebastian concert
-had dinner with grandma and ali and matthew
-watched the fireworks across the East River from her roof

for the fifth of July, I:
-almost played guitar hero but then couldn't

for the fifteenth of July, I:
-am headed for the altar. Not mine. Briana's. OH WOW.

So Al Gore Thinks He Can Dance

Walt and I have been together for 436 days. That's almost 15 months. He's thriving by the windowsill. I filled up a Jack Daniel's flask with water and that's his watering can.

Also, I went to the beach today. I was in connecticut and we went to the Long Island Sound and I looked at the water and thought, 'why am I afraid of the stupid ocean? Look at all these dumb babies that go in the ocean. I can do that. Shit, I can do that.' So I did. I waded in until the water was up to my elbows, then I stood there for a while, then I decided to swim a little. There weren't any sting rays or jellyfish or anything. It was good.

So I figure next time I go to the beach, I'll be surfing and petting sharks and wearing scuba masks.
Afraid of the ocean?
FUCK THAT.

The Dog From Frasier Died

sorry, everybody