Two Of Us Riding Nowhere

Cherokee playlist suggestions duly and lovingly noted - and may I also add that I found this Bruce Springsteen song where he keeps saying "I am a native american" over and over.

This playlist is headed for playlist GOLD!

And what a coincidence; I write these entries in my underwear.

AND Georgia's Cherokee county school district is starting school tomorrow! BURN


Here is what I did today:

1) Composed a list of things I like very much
(a sampling: rainwalks, when they stomp the glass at the end of Jewish weddings, snow, the muppets, that story in the bible where this paralyzed guy has his friends remove a part of the roof of a temple and lower him through the hole so he can get to Jesus, and sleeping in)

2) Huge fight with my moms

3) Drove around, stopped, and took a rainwalk in the middle of some neighborhood (sans umbrella OF COURSE)

4) Got some pictures developed

5) Visited the Coldstone where I used to work

6) Tested their new wasabi, licorice, and fruity cereal ice creams

7) Vomited immediately

8) Dyed my hair black

9) Ate some pizza

10) Patched things up with mom by watching I Am Sam with her

11) My face feels like it's burning

12) I will never regret a rainwalk

13) Talked to my brother Matt on the phone

85) Tattoo tattoo tattoo!

42) Sent some guy to jail

11) Thought about the lost continent of Atlantis for a little while

20) Admired the new shoes I bought (lovely beige high heels) for a long time

Then I slept for a thousand years and woke up with wrinkles and more gray hairs than before. Did I say years? I meant days. That makes more sense.


Plans for the future:

1) Rent some Pee-Wee's playhouse (I can't stop thinking about it these days)

2) Have at least four children

3) Wear these incredible shoes out somewhere

4) Find something to major in

5) Keep it real

6) Buy a floorlamp for next year

7) Use the word "avatar" more

8) Enjoy this black hair of mine for the fourteen days it promises to last

9) this

10) all those other things I should have done by now

We're on our way home
We're on our way home
We're going home

Give Her A Feather - She's A Cherokee

That's the name of my favorite playlist. Its songs focus on indians (feathers, not dots of course). The playlist is made up of three songs so far:
1) "Indian Reservation" by Paul Revere and the Raiders
2) "Half-Breed" by Cher
3) "Your Squaw Is On The Warpath Tonight" by Loretta Lynn

I Beg You:
suggest more songs for this outrageously entertaining collection. PLEASE!
There are no criteria...the songs don't even have to be about indians. Yes they do, though. No. Yes.

Hey, I watched most of "Into the West." Plus, yours truly is no less than 1/16 cherokee. So I think I know a thing or two about playlists dedicated to indians.

We're going to need a bigger boat, etc.

Oh and ALSO:
Isla Fisher.
The crazy girl from Wedding Crashers
Naomi Watt's replacement in I Heart Huckabees (i.e. "All that and brains too")
and
Engaged to Ali G.

Now that's trivia!!

Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated!

Yeah, I'll see this. Ok.

I just ate waaay too much chicken. Wa-a-a-ay too much, gentlemen. I'm in a coma right now. All that chicken...reminds me of this.

And also, I went to the dentist today, which reminds me of this.

Katherine and I need to get those portraits made.
Possible themes:
1) pregnancy
2) pregnancy
3) blackface
4) pregnancy
5) under the sea?
6) winter wonderland
7) pregnancy
8) owls
9) food network
10) this list doesn't make sense anymore
11) pregnancy.

DENTISTRY NOW,
COMMONLAW MARRIAGE FOREVER.

Why Do You Women In This Town Let Me Look At You So Bold?

Ok here's the scoop:

David Krumholtz.

...where it's at.

He was always right before my face, just waiting until I realized that he's amazing and I love him.
First in Addams Family Values, then in Slums of Beverly Hills, and now, in that episode of "Freaks and Geeks" when Neil gets a ventriloquist dummy (figure)

and I love him.

You know him.

I'll expand later, but for now:

David Krumholtz!

And Had Given Her A Heart To Understand What My Heart Used To Be

Commercials are dumb
unless they're funny.

Sex was a lot sexier when Sue Johanson wasn't talking all about it in her old lady voice.
But despite that fact, there's still a part of me that wishes I were Canadian. Canadienne?

And also there is a large part of me that wanted to be a pre-western expansion Indian. That would be amazing.

Or to be Irish, that would be cool.

Or a milkmaid.
Actually, not a milkmaid
because one time I milked a cow and it was disgusting. The stench of poop was unbearably thick in the air, and putting my hand to the cow's udder made my bashful face explode, quite literally. And the cow seemed pretty pissed off throughout the ordeal. Sorry, cow, I don't know how to milk you. Why did I ever take this crazy job as a milkmaid, anyway? I'm supposed to be living off the land in the neolithic finger lakes with my silky black hair flowing down!

I bought a flower pin today. It's made of yarn and it can be a hair-thing if I want it to be.

Furthermore, I went bonkers in Target's $1 Section today.
I bought:
a) a sewing kit
b) a lingerie bag
c) a set of miniature dry erase markers
d) a black lightbulb
e) a rainbow lightbulb
f) a spatula
g) a slotted spoon
h) a letter separator
i) some recycled yellow liner paper
j) two frames
k) some interchangeable pictures that fit in said frames
l) uh that's it I think.

Big day,
big day.

BIG DAY!!

Teen Asian Boob-Looker: Sightings The Second And Third

Today and yesterday, basically. The boob-looker was there again, just a-looking at everybody's boobs. My only defense was the old standby, which is when I
a) shield my chest with crossed robot-style arms
b) yell out "boob-lookahhhhhhh!" in an accusingly rough neil-diamond-in-concert voice.

March of the Penguins?
Yeah, maybe.
Probably not.

I can't wait for the Atlanta Aquarium to open! Say goodbye, Chattanooga - you're through. We're through with you, and your money's on the dresser, so GET OUT!
The Atlanta Aquarium will have whales the size of school buses! And sharks and fish and everything you could imagine. Everything.

And will the virgo ever get her day in the sun? Will her nit-picky ways ever relax into casual acceptance? Will her troublesome stomach ever learn the ways of the carefree capricorn stomach? I doubt it. At least not until september.

What kind of doctor would mistake Nanny Fine for a nurse? And why is this show the best thing I've ever seen on television? I love "the Nanny" now more than ever.
Now more than Ever.

Off to eat some food!

A Little Something For Your Moms

It's shocking how different the names "dave" and "david" are.

And PS- my stalker problem at work has dissolved,
or should I say that it has actually evolved into the
celebrated form of
a teenage asian boob-looker.

That's right, everybody - we've got a boob-looker on our hands. The adult braces guy must be reading this blog or something, because he doesn't bother me anymore. But just when I think I can take a breath, let my hair down, put my feet up on the coffee thermoses, THIS happens:
an asshole the magnitude of that asshole 16-year-old freshman who used to sing on the elevator and stare at your picture before he swiped your card at the desk (yeah, that guy) just POPS right into my Barnes and Noble cafe.

Throughout the five minutes it took for him to order, I had to hunch over and frown to make my chest and my beauty disappear, respectively.

And tomorrow night I have big plans to go sit in the parking lot of the Carole King concert with Katherine. And when "Smackwater Jack" comes on, I'm earmuffing it because
Ladies,
I
Hate
That
Song.

Teenaged asian boob-lookers and Carole King parking lots?! What a summer!

Getting Cat-Called By The Roofers Across The Street = Something New

Pauly, you old so-and-so!

Becky, are you watching Paul Montgomery Shore's new show, "Minding the Store" right now?

No, no I'm not.
PS - I am OF COURSE lying.

I'm watching the second episode now...Pauly, why are you touching these women at this...this restaurant? As if touching Tia Carrere didn't taint your hands enough. When will I get the chance to have them reject my lilywhite skin? When Will I Get That Chance?

And speaking of Tia, here's what my mom used to say whenever we watched "Sister, Sister":

TIA TAMARA!

As in,
"see ya tamarra"
As in,
"look at how retarded their names are, and look at how much more retarded I can make them just by saying them together"

...harsh, mom. But HILARIOUS.

And now this part of the show with Pauly's dad singing makes me think of

GILDA LIVE!

when she sings that song that's like "kiss me with your mouth closed," which always made me feel bashful.

Things I Am (Oftentimes):
1) bashful
2) unable to take naps

YET HERE'S WHAT I JUST DID:
nap attack!

I was cleaning my room, watching Growing Up Brady, when suddenly I had to throw myself onto my bed and instantly fall sleep. It literally WAS a nap attack. It literally WAS the Great Irish Potato Famine.

So while I was sleeping, I had this dream where I was in some lunch line or something (specifically not at school) and I looked up and away right as this cafeteria man looked at me. So then he stopped what he was doing and was like "Hey, everybody! This girl here just gave me the look-away! She thought she could look at me without me knowing, but I saw, and she totally likes me! This girl right here!" and he kept pointing at me. And everyone looked at me.

So I was naturally pretty pissed off.

But then I started to like the cafeteria guy, who looked sort of like the imaginary roommate from A Beautiful Mind. And then my mother came home from grocery shopping (in real life) and yelled my name and woke me up. But then I fell asleep again.

I slept from:
6 pm

to:
10 pm.

And I'm feeling some more sleeping coming on.

That Bug Bite On My Left Thumb

is totally disgusting. I feel like Pig-Pen.
And you know that kid had to have been covered in bug bites. That fly-cloud, and all that dirt, and I'm assuming that his hands were always sticky with popsicle juice...oh, oh wait, wait, I'm going to throw up.


here's something that Tess and I just said to each other:

Lucillesong: when I worked at coldstone and somebody ordered a birthday cake remix, I'd be like "RE RE REmix!"

tess1e19: hahahha and did they look at you funny, like they sorta felt bad for you but also sorta felt bad for themselves cause you were touching their ice cream?

That's what we said to each other.
Later on, I agreed with her about the customers. They were always looking funny at things, myself included.

This stand-up I'm watching isn't that great. So far, the guy has discussed:
1) how smokers never have their own accoutrements
2) how he hates tall people

and now he's finished.

"I didn't go to college. Check me out - I'm kickass!" is what Jack Black just said on a commercial for some movie...

AND

I just saw a commercial with this guy sitting next to an air freshener who feeds his dog a good-boy treat every few seconds so that the dog's tail, which has a little fan attached to it, will wag - thus setting into motion a means of fanning the air freshener all around the room.

IT MAKES ME THINK OF when I was little and the only invention I ever wanted to rig up was a system of closing my door from my bed...the farthest I ever developed it was
1) tying a string to the doorknob
2) holding onto the other end of the string from my bed.
And, needless to say, the system never really worked the way I wanted it to.

CURRENTLY I need to craft some sort of stick that reaches from my bed to the channel/volume buttons on my tv, which lacks a remote control. I can't even buy one for it - it just wasn't built that way. Can't I understand that?!

A yardstick doesn't work.
It would take some sort of...some sort of kid-genius to build what I need!
But where would I find a kid-genius?
Where...would...I...find...WAIT!

WAIT!
I've decided something!

I've decided to give up the search because I'm so lazy!

Congratulate me!!

You Should Have Seen What I Was

In The Dark
the newest one-act to flow from the pen of none other than one certain lady who goes by the name of
...Rebecca

Two young boys sit in the bed of a moving pick-up truck
The first boy turns to the other boy

Dirk: spits on Billy

pause

Dirk: I meant that.

Billy: wipes spit off face with the back of his left hand. Alright. Did you mean it like this-

Billy grabs Dirk's glasses off his face and throws them off the moving truck

Dirk: No, I meant it like this-

Dirk pulls a pair of scissors out of his pocket and cuts the bottom ten inches of cloth off of Billy's pantlegs. Billy lets him do it

Billy: very deliberately and threateningly pulls a thick black permanent marker out of his pocket and uncaps it SLOWLY

Dirk: looks frightened

Billy draws a huge mustache on his own upper lip, then on Dirk's

Together: Now atsa spicy meataball!

they laugh and hug for a while. Then Dirk's dad knocks on the window from the driver's seat

Dirk's Dad: from within the car Hey! Cut that out before I give you BOTH some capri pants to worry about!

Dirk and Billy smile knowingly

fin



It'll get better with time.

Yes, I'd Like Three Shirley Temples And Would You Charge It, Please?

Here is what I wanted to be when I was little:

A cowgirl waitress.

And I'm not trying to be cute - that's what I wanted to be. My cousin Ali and I were going to open a restaurant in...Nevada? and we'd wear cowboy boots and be waitressing extraordinaires.

But why?

Well here's the long and short of it, guys: when I'm sweeping and mopping at the store, I have a lot of time to think about why I think things. And here's what I came up with:
WAITRESS = unquestionable femininity. "Look at me, I'm a waitress, I have a ponytail, I can carry eight pizza pies with one hand and hardly break a sweat, and then you tip me. I'm so pretty!"

COWGIRL = ...cool, duh. But doesn't it smack of lesbianism?

no! Because I'm also a waitress! A girly waitress! So by being a cowgirl waitress, I get to:
a) wear cowboy boots
b) live the life of a cowboy who just doesn't give a shit
c) carry around large amounts of food in one hand (and therefore constantly impress people with a skill that comes second-nature to me)
d) live outside the law

So it looks like that's what I'm going to be aiming for in about three years. I need to call Ali to see if she's still on board.

ALSO
there is a man with adult braces who stalks me at work. He sits in the ONE stupid easy chair in the cafe for four or five hours at a time, "reading a paper" as he positions his face completely towards me at all times. Then he comes up to the counter and says things like "you work all the time!" or "sure is raining outside!" and then I have to
1) glance at him,
2) glance away disapprovingly, and
3) grunt
to show him that the only reason I reply to him is my $7/hour.

I despise him. I almost threw up today because he was watching me so much. So when I was about to go on my break, I called stupid Krotov to see if he could come pretend to be my big intimidating boyfriend and walk me out of the store. He couldn't because he had to paint his nails because he's a weener.

Then I called Katherine to see if she could get Eddie to come in and do it, but I didn't feel I could adequately describe the favor I needed in a voicemail message, so I hung up before I could even try.

So I snuck out the back way and got some terrible french fries at Wendy's and drove back to the store. I made two or three drivers pretty pissed off on my way back by DOING NOTHING WRONG. Then at work, I hid in the back for a while and when I came out, the guy was gone.

And I finally stopped needing to throw up.

This is why I need a real boyfriend - to scare off the miserable fifty-year-old braces-men who stare at me for hours at a time and make me want to throw up
AND THEN DIE.

Say goodnight, gracie

Seasons Of Meeeeee

Here's a list of things I cannot do, no matter how hard I try:

1) a decent Sling Blade impression

2) a good gangsta walk

3) wink at someone with a straight face


Here's a list of things I might be able to do, but have yet to try:

1) pee standing up

2) make jiffy-pop on the stove-top

3) live happily on an indian reservation


Here's a list of movies I've seen recently:

1) Black Water

2) Diary of a Mad Black Woman

3) Six Degrees of Separation (stinker)


Three three-item lists. What more could you ask?

I defy you to ask me for more. I DEFY YOU TO.

Wow it only took writing the word "defy" two times to make it lose meaning entirely

Boner, His Name Was Boner

Where am I

-a BINGO revenue thief
-the recipient of a yahrzeit card
-one who seconds many motions
-the fosterer of a dog named Buck (who now lives with a wonderful family)
-an alumna of Eastern Nazarene College
-and a committee member of the Batten Disease Support and Research Association

all at once?

Where else but google? DUH.

BOB SAGET AT ATLANTA'S VERY OWN FUNNY FARM?!
JULY 14-16?!
Over-21 entry? What a fucking travesty! It can't be! I need you, Bob! I need you BOB I NEED YOU I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AND YOUR THOUGHTS ON LIFE AND LOVE BOB BOB BOB BOB

BOB!

(sob) ...Bob

To Dabney Coleman, We'll Always Have Aspen, Love Diana Rose

I don't know what made me think of this, but here you go:


My Car, the Mother

Becky and mom are in the grocery store

Becky: pensive. Mom?

Mom: mmhmm

Becky: If I get married, and my husband and I go into some store or restaurant or something, and somebody in there makes fun of my husband, I'd find a quiet way, and I'd kill them.

Pause

Mom: You're so funny.

Becky: I'm so serious.

fin

Right now I am:
-unspeakably tired
-rocking the Aunt Becky Hair Style
-not knowingly allergic to anything
-an admirer of my dog Sparkey
-astonishingly talented at singing songs that glorify Sparkey's good looks
-finished folding the dark load
-not an aunt or mother or grandmother
-writing a list
-a virgo
-considering naming my children Maggie, Sam, Imogen, Milo, Bobbie, or Hank. Or Mitch. I really don't know. These names are crap.
-incapable of ending this list
-ending this list

Just As Becky Before You Has Watched...

You must watch the following:

Reality Bites
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Arthur

These are the movies I've seen in the last twenty-four hours. YOU SHALL WATCH THEM, TOO.

My Favorite: Reality Bites
The Funniest: Arthur
The Fucking Craziest: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

I bought fake eyelashes and ate at IHOP with Her this morning.

Her is Katherine's new nickname. It's very confusing. I offer no apologies, though, you guys. It's just something I won't do...offer apologies.

I think I'll sleep all day now. Come visit me at work from 6 to close if you want some half-priced starbucks coffee or a decent view of a couple thousand books. There's a spider outside the window but inside the screen...it's red and I think it's building a web. NOT OK, SPIDER. NOT OK.

You may visit me; the spider may NOT.

Drapes & Squares

I went to see War of the Worlds with mother this afternoon.
To celebrate Tom Cruise's birthday. (or not)

AND

during the trailers, there was a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory preview

AND

for just like, half a second, there was a clip with the glass elevator from the end

AND

when I saw it, I cried.

Why is that damned glass elevator so amazing? Why does it make me cry? I don't know...it was a long trip through the chocolate factory, I guess. And the elevator can go anywhere, and you just KNOW that Charlie's going to use it a lot. And it can go through the roof, which is something that no elevators do. This elevator can go anywhere you want.

Roald Dahl had my birthday.

Here's a list of people who have my birthday:
Fiona Apple
Ray Charles
Milton S. Hershey
Roald Dahl
Nell Carter
General "Black Jack" Pershing
Arnold Schoenberg
Mel Torme
Jacqueline Bisset
Peter Cetera (of "Glory of Love" -aka the love theme from Karate Kid- fame)
and, of course,
Ben Savage

The Man Who Hated Horses

Wow

SLEATER-KINNEY!!

CONCERT! JANET WEISS! THE OTHER TWO!!
(Man, they were so good, I'll look up their names!)
JANET WEISS!
AND CARRIE BROWNSTEIN!
AND CORIN TUCKER!!

SO GOOD!
SO GOOD!!

Even during the encore, when some retarded assholes tried to make a mosh pit right behind me (and on top of me)
EVEN THEN THEY WERE GOOD!

SO GOOD!!

SLEATER-KINNEY!!

CONCERT!

So It's The Laughter We Will Remember Whenever We Remember The Way We Were

You guys, YOU GUYS!

Sleater-Kinney concert tonight!!

I've made big plans to watch Helter Skelter tomorrow night on TvLand.
"Why?"
Let me answer your question with another question:
Why wouldn't it behoove me to learn about mass murders of Charles Manson? Heck, maybe I'll learn something about self-defense or criminal justice...
Or
Maybe I'll just not be able to sleep for a few weeks.

I dyed my hair black this morn, but it just turned out very, very dark brown. Which is good. Because I really wasn't going for goth or Lydia from Beetlejuice or anything...I just wanted it to be a lot darker.

It's better than bleaching it out, right guys?

Right?

ANSWER ME BEFORE I BUY THAT HOME-BLEACHING KIT!

I NEED BOUNDARIES!

I NEED A NUMBER! I NEED A NUMBER! I NEED A NUMBER!